I guess we all have plans, even if we don’t think about them in those terms: goals, time line, motivation, activities. Once I’m married, I would probably have to do meal plans, financial plans, children plans, dates-with-the-husband plans — and I’m looking forward to all of these!

There’s also one other plan that I’m most excited about — that is my Bible reading plan! This is my plan to know God better in 2010, and because God is so gracious and good, this is a plan that cannot fail. He wants to be known by his children!

My theme verse for the new year is from 1 John 3:2-3 which says,

Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.

‘Everyone who thus hopes in him’ — i.e. having the confidence to persevere in our pursuit of holiness because ‘we know that when he appears we shall be like him’. God promises to perfect all his children in Christ-likeness.

And the verse simply says that everyone who has this hope purifies himself because Christ is pure. It means my plans to grow in Christ reflects my trust in God to perfect me. It’s not a matter of either plan or trust… but, I plan because I trust.

So! My plan looks like that:

1. Read through entire bible with biblical theology in mind.

2. Work and journal through Jerry Bridges’ The Practice of Godliness.

3. Continue to read, think, and pray about biblical womanhood.

I will explain more about this plan in the following days!

I just never really warmed up to that question, not that there’s anything wrong with it, but it sounds so soppy and unnecessarily metaphorical. It makes me picture God as a bricklayer cementing some firm beliefs in my heart — that’s crazy.

My youth pastor happens to ask that question all the time, haha! I prefer asking, “How has God been convicting you?” or “What have you been thinking about?” Just preferences, I guess.

But it’s funny that when it comes to adoption, “something that God is laying upon my heart” seems to be an apt description! It’s like  God is slowly easing me into the topic, layer by layer.

Well, I’ve never met an adopted kid in Singapore — I would love to talk to them and know their story! — and never even knew it is possible. Just out of curiosity, I googled “adoption singapore” and reached a Singapore Government website on Children and Parenthood.

Hmm. What is God laying upon my heart? Where can I find adopted children (or their parents) in Singapore to talk to?

The glory of God was waning in my mind by the time it was Friday.

I was having insomnia the whole of last week, always waking up at 2.30am and not being able to sleep the rest of the night, only crashing again into bed around 7am. Since I usually spend a couple of hours in the early morning for devotions, I wasn’t able to do that at all last week. My heart started to grow cold towards God.

When I could finally do my dawn devotions again on Saturday, I prayed desperately that God would show me his glory, open my eyes to behold wondrous things out of his law (Psalm 119:18) and stir my heart to worship him. Nothing happened. I read the gospel of John and ended my devotions.

Sunday morning, I read John again. Nothing heart-stirring happened, I didn’t shed a tear, I prayed and thought I just gotta keep praying. It was just a little bit disappointing.

Then I went to church, and was looking forward to singing songs to praise God. I thought: “Good, surely the songs will lift my spirits!”

It did. It was truly a time of Spirit-led open worship. Throughout Kel’s led worship and the sharings of various people, I prayed Ephesians 1:17-19 for those in our church whose faith was hanging by a thread because of difficulties in their lives. If I could feel my heart grow cold from a week of missing devotions, how much more were these other saints struggling? I prayed for those whose faith seemed nothing more than a habit of coming to church on Sundays. I prayed for those who came after a long absence.

And as we continued to focus our worship on Jesus Christ, my mind went: “That’s it! I was reading the gospel of John! How silly can I be?”

You see, when I was reading the gospel of John, I was indeed reading the good news about Jesus Christ, I was knowing him through his life, death and resurrection. I saw the full glory of God in Jesus Christ! (John 1:14, Col 1:15-20) What else was I expecting?

God has already shown us his glory in his only Son who is revealed in Scriptures for us, we need look to nowhere else but him. It is the historical Jesus who was born as a babe, lived for 33 years and died on the cross who bears the full image of the living God.

Today the same Jesus lives, and lives within our heart for those who believe in his name! We can have so much confidence because seeing the glory of God now is a present experience of a certain past.

“Heavenly Father, I’ve messed up. I can’t do this on my own, I need your help. Please forgive me and take over my life.”

I first realised this when I responded to the gospel and accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour — when I was saved by God’s grace through faith.

What I didn’t realise then was that I would never stop needing his grace and forgiveness daily in my life! I prayed this today and the awareness of my sin hadn’t lessened. It had, in fact, deepened.

But I can pray it with so much confidence and hope because I have a God who loves and forgives me while I was yet a sinner! Praise God.

We find time to amuse ourselves even with wedding preparations. Enjoy!

me: hi sweets, done with your minutes?

Graham: yeps dear, aiyoh i have to draft a circular now.. wahh.. and write it on my own. heh

me: haha what’s the circular for?

Graham: eating food in the office. hahah. something small la

me: !!! cannot eat food in the office? are u imposing SMRT-like fines haha

Graham: haha cos some foods leave a smell.. ya so i gotta draft something

me: oh dear, pls eat food that neither smells good nor bad
odourless food is in!
best is if you eat them directly through a tube from an air-tight bag

Graham: dear….hahah managers are complaining lor

me: they are complainin of the smells or the ban?
i can set up a sarabat store outside your office and sell revolutionary air-tight odourless food
“From the tube to your tummy – it’s like magic!”

Graham: haha it’s called naso-gastric intubation

me: !!!!!!!!
is that real?

I am a sojourner on the earth;
hide not your commandments from me!
My soul is consumed with longing
for your rules at all times.

Psalm 119:19-20

These verses give meaning to my experience of humility before God.

When I had struggled to work out what it means to be godly in specific situations, I was indeed “consumed with longing” for God’s rules to help me live rightly in his sight. Knowing my heart is deceptive and proud, I desperately wanted God to teach me his commandments so that I can live in a manner worthy of the gospel.

But you see, it’s so easy to give myself a pat on my back for wanting God’s instructions and guidance. In the split-second I am humble, I become proud.

Yet today I see that my humility is only a rightful response to the goodness and the greatness of God. When I recognise him as my Maker and Redeemer, when I know that I’m a creature and a sojourner on earth, I can’t help but turn to him for mercy.

If I were on the basketball court with Michael Jordan today, I would be very modest about my basketball skills too. In fact, I could not be modest enough to save my life! Any move will quickly expose any boastful lies I tell. But you would not admire my humility in this case; I’m simply facing the fact that I can’t play basketball for nuts — especially not compared to Mikey.

So when we humble ourselves before God, let’s not praise ourselves or admire our virtue. But give all praises to God for he promises to give grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5) and ask him to help us respond rightly to him in humility.

I’m thinking of forming a Mrs Choo all-wives club. Very exclusive.

O Lord,
You know my great unfitness for service,
my present deadness,
my inability to do anything for Your glory,
my distressing coldness of heart.

I am weak, ignorant, unprofitable,
and loathe and abhor myself.
I am at a loss to know what You would have me do,
for I feel amazingly deserted by thee,
and sense thy presence so little;
You make me possess the sins of my youth,
and the dreadful sin of my nature,
so that I feel all sin,
I cannot think or act but every motion is sin.

Return again with showers of converting grace
to a poor Gospel-abusing sinner.
Help my soul to breathe after holiness, after a constant devotedness to thee, after growth in grace more abundantly every day.

O Lord, I am lost in the pursuit of this blessedness,
and am ready to sink because I fall short of my desire;
Help me to hold out a little longer,
until the happy hour of deliverance comes,
for I cannot lift my soul to thee
if thou of thy goodness bring me not close.

Help me to be diffident, watchful, tender,
lest I offend my blessed friend in thought and behavior;
I confide in You and lean upon You,
and need You at all times to assist and lead me.

O that all my distresses and apprehensions might prove but Christ’s school
to make me fit for greater service
by teaching me the great lesson of humility.

- The Valley Of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions.

I am currently journalling through Susan Hunt’s True Woman — understanding God’s design for woman has helped me grow tremendously in my godliness and my love of God’s infinite wisdom.

I’m also reading Jerry Bridges’ Pursuit of Holiness, and I just picked up the sequel to that book, The Practice of Holiness, for a song at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. 4 books for $3 — I was so happy! ‘Holiness’ shall be my theme for 2010.

I’ve been discovering that decision-making is what sets a leader apart from the rest of the pack. It’s not the only thing he does, but it’s certainly what defines and differentiates him. Failing to make decisions is failing to lead.

The sentiment of finality stands out in Obama’s words:

“Well, I think that it certainly helps to know the broader strategic issues involved. I think that’s more important than understanding the tactics involved because there are just some extraordinary commanders on the ground and a lot of good advisers who I have a lot of confidence in, but the president has to make a decision…“

I have a feeling that if a leader always waits for perfect knowledge or perfect consensus to make a decision, he will be severely handicapped. At times, making a decision trumps waiting for a better decision (if there’s one) than the one you are making right now. Intuition and experience alone can tell when this is so.

“They might not, at the end of it, agree with me, but having seen how I’m thinking about a problem, having a sense of how I’m making decisions, that I understand their point of view, that I can actually make their argument for them, and that that’s part of the decision-making process, it gives them a sense, at least, that they’ve been heard, and I think clarifies—well, it pushes us away from the dogmas and caricatures that I think get in the way of good policymaking and a more civil tone in our politics.”

Just a note: By saying “failing to make decisions is failing to lead”, I’m not commenting on the merit of particular decisions or whether there’s a need at all for the leader to make a decision (I’m thinking of micro-managers here), but simply that a person can’t lead without making decisions.

This is just my reflection on leadership while I was reading this interview with Obama: A Highly Logical Approach

Something clicked in my head last night when I couldn’t sleep again. I realise that I was being ruled by fear, that for as long as I had insomnia, fear has been my response.

My first experience of insomnia started in Primary 6. I don’t know what I called it then but I sure know how I felt – scared. Whether it’s because sleeplessness is associated with the darkness and scary things, or simply the not knowing when I will sleep and how I will get past tomorrow (or PSLE) weighed upon me, my tiny heart was filled with fear.

Growing up, things haven’t changed much. Fear is a familiar motif of this sleepless journey! Fear of tomorrow, fear of tiredness, fear of responsibilities, fear of failure, fear of the future, fear, fear, fear. Some nights I will be so desperate for sleep I will cry; some mornings I cry again because I haven’t slept and the day ahead summons energy that I don’t have. I grieved my loss of sleep and I cried inwardly for help.

Last night the fear of post-natal depression crept up on me — have you seen how little sleep a new mother gets? I am not married yet and I’m worried about rejecting my unconceived child! The absurdity of the situation woke me up (haha pun unintended). A memory verse I learned recently helped shape my renewed response to insomnia:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 56:3-4

The opposite of fear is not courage, it’s trust… in an Almighty God, my Shepherd and my Saviour. The mercies and the glory of God was magnified in my heart and mind as I considered the extent of my dependency on him. I prayed with Graham (I was so happy to find that he was still awake at 2am in his room!) and went back to bed. I still did not sleep till 5 in the morning, but at least I was fearful no more.